Stuck being Worthey.

All I want to do is change my name. Women do that all the time. So why am I having such a hard time doing it?!

Google doesn't cut it. I'm getting different information on what I need to do. So I talked to the lady at the courthouse, and she told me I have to go to Lewiston to do it. But I also emailed the court assistance person in Moscow, and he just sent me forms to fill out. Uidaho simply refers me to the social security website, which is useless.

All I know is that I need to get an Idaho driver's license with my new name and get a new social security card with my new name. But it doesn't look like I can do either of those without doing the other one first. Umm.....

I just want to be Kelli Stoddard! I want an Idaho driver's license! I want to be able to declare Idaho residency so I don't have to pay out-of-state tuition anymore!

Recap.

Sunday nights are perhaps my least favorite time of the week. Mondays are pretty bad, too. I want to have weekends all the time, where I'm not expected to do anything that I don't want to do. I can just go to friend's houses, and sleep in, and be cuddly and watch movies and eat gummy worms, and take mini road trips, and stay up late, and not have strict time frames. Yes, I love weekends.

But now it's back to the daily routine. 8am classes, two exams tomorrow (aren't Mondays bad enough already?!), endless studying, and not being able to just collapse and cuddle and eat junk food whenever I feel like it.

Anyway, this weekend was pretty fun. It started with a Halloween party that our friend Ana threw. I was a bunny and Sterling was a lumberjack. He had to take advantage of that ridiculous beard he has, which, by the way, he is refusing to shave until the day of our wedding. It's been growing since the middle of August. It's awful (sorry, honey). It's gotten to the point where he can put it in his mouth, which he finds hilarious. He also twirls it constantly. Ohh, November 19th, you cannot get here fast enough.

My mom called me right before we left for the party on Friday night. When I told her I was dressing up as a bunny, she asked, "A respectable bunny?" Yes, mother dear, a respectable bunny. All of my respected parts were fully confined by clothing. Gotta love her.

So, it was a fun party. There were about 2 million people there. It was kind of crazy. Apparently it got a whole lot crazier after we left though, so I guess it was a good idea we left when we did. Saturday was a lovely Vandals game, which wasn't actually very lovely. It was the last game we'll go to this year, since the only other home game is the same day as our wedding. Saturday was also my friend Corina's 21st birthday, so some delicious Mexican food was eaten.

Today, we adventured up to Coeur D'Alene to get wedding supplies. I've been searching ALL over for purple argyle socks for Sterling & the groomsmen, but have had absolutely no luck. But we walked into Target in CDA (have I mentioned how much I LOVE that store?!) and they were right there. It was an amazing feeling, ha. We went to a couple more places and found everything we needed. It was wonderful. We had amazing shopping luck today. Then we finished our trip with a lovely Olive Garden lunch.

Pretty much the best, most successful day ever.


PS: Did y'all know I'm getting married in 20 days? True story.

802 miles.

That's how far it is from my hometown of Placerville, CA to good old Moscow, ID. So it makes sense that it's a little weird to pass a random kid who I gradated high school with in the library of the University of Idaho, right? Or when I'm stalking random people from high school and stumble upon some girl (who I don't actually know) who also goes to U of I? I mean, I know of five people from Union Mine HS who now live in Moscow. Funny.

The other day, I was talking to this girl in one of my classes who's from the Bay Area (California). She asked me about why I chose UI for college, and not Sac State or UC Davis. Well, I spent a good year planning to go to each of those schools. I had such a clear picture of my life at those places. I also remember making my mom drive around the UC Santa Cruz campus one summer while we were on vacation, thinking I'd maybe like to go there. She was freaking out about how far away from home it was. It's a little over 3 hours away. That makes me laugh now.

I also spent about six months of my life thinking I was going to move to Lake Tahoe after high school, and go to the community college there, then transfer to Sierra Nevada College, a tiny private college. My high school boyfriend got accepted there, and we thought the 1.5 hour distance would be devastating. He only ended up going to SNC for a week though, so thankfully I never moved anywhere for him. He's now married and just bought a house about five minutes from my parents' house. I find that funny, too. Though I love my parents, once again I'm thankful things worked out the way they did because I would not want to live my life in Placerville.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I realized I probably shouldn't try too hard to make any plans about where my life will be a year from now. Here I am, picturing what my life will be going to ISU in Pocatello or USU in Logan next year, and I'll probably just end up laughing at myself because my plans pretty much never pan out. Which, so far, has been for the very best. So who knows, maybe Sterling and I will be living in Ireland or Missouri next year. Oh gosh, I hope not Ireland though. I can't stand accents.

I need a nap.

It's not even 10am and I've been on campus for over an hour already. Just so you know, this was considered an early morning for me. So I'm sitting here in the library until my lab at 2:30, and I just realized how long that actually is. Sterling had a paper to write, so he had to come to school way early today, and I'm not quite sure why I decided to come with him. Maybe because hot chocolate was involved. I don't know.

By the way, will somebody tell him that fruit is not a substitute for a toothbrush? I told him he needed to brush his teeth before we went to school this morning, and refused to, saying we didn't have time and that he was eating an apple, anyway. And apparently apples clean your teeth just as well as a toothbrush and toothpaste, he thinks.

Sometimes, I just don't know what's going on in that pretty little head of his.


So, there's a big assignment due tomorrow for my chemistry class. I decided to be a good kid and do it all yesterday morning, seeing as how I have a lab (for that class!) and plenty of work that goes with the lab due today. Today, the professor posts on the class Facebook page that he just posted answers for almost ALL of the problems. Obviously, this got me pretty peeved. So I commented saying that I wish I had procrastinated and not done the assignment two days in advance. I said it perfectly nicely. And he responded telling me that 'early submission is rarely the best approach'. He thinks that students should wait until the deadline to get work done, in case new information arises. Um, or he could have just posted the answers when he posted the assignment to avoid making students who practice good time-management miss out on an advantage like that. You know, just an idea.


Is it the weekend yet?

Unofficially married.

Hey folks, wanna see something that's pretty dang cool?

Yep, we got our marriage license today. No, it does not mean that we're married (I had to clarify this part to my beloved fiance). Bright and early this morning, we went down to the courthouse and raised our right hands, read an informative HIV pamphlet (and signed it, swearing that we haven't shared needles with anyone or slept with someone who was infected with HIV between 1978-1985), and signed ourselves away to each other. Romantic, right?

This whole wedding thing seems to be rolling pretty well! The men have all been fitted for their tuxes, the girls have all found their shoes, everyone's getting invites in the mail, and I don't feel too crazily stressed, seeing as how one of the most important days of my life is happening in 26 days. All that's really left are little things like finding argyle socks for the groomsmen, buying a ton of Hershey kisses, and ordering the flowers.

On the non-wedding related side of things, well, life is crazy. School is ridiculous. Sterling and I spend the majority of our nights in the library (guess where we are right now?). I keep planning out dinners to make, but I never have time to make them. The dad of the kids I nanny is in Nepal for three weeks, so I've been taking care of them a whole lot more and will continue doing so for awhile longer! There are endless exams to study for (and fail) lately. Yesterday was the first time we went to church in close to a month. And we're not going to make it this Sunday, either.

We had our first one-on-one date night in awhile last Friday, and it was wonderful. Sterling saw maybe 1/8 of Paranormal Activity 3, because the other 7/8 of it he spent with his face tucked into his sweatshirt and squirming in his seat with fear, shrieking "I'M NOT LOOKING! I CAN'T! I'M NOT LOOKING! WHY DID WE COME TO THIS MOVIE?!?" Poor boy. It was pretty endearing, though. He distracted me from smacking the twelve incredibly annoying sorostitutes that were sitting in front of us.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be studying for my anatomy lab exam that is tomorrow morning. Wish me luck? I'd be filled with joy for a low C even. Cross your fingers.

When I grow up, I wanna be a housewife.

Today, I realized what I'm meant to do with my life.

Be a housewife.

My sister probably just had a heart attack when she read that. Tara, don't worry, that was mostly a joke. I'm going to have a degree and career. That's important to me. But when I (hopefully) get to a point in my life where I can just be a stay-at-home mom, oh goodness, I'm gonna love it.

Sterling worked all day today. And I got a million things done.

I went to Michael's and bought wedding and craft supplies, I went to two different hardware stores and bought Sterling a toolbelt and some tools (the right ones even!), I went tanning (I know, it's bad), I went grocery shopping (and lugged around 4 cases of Diet Coke on my own, I must add), I spent some time at Walgreen's figuring out insurance & prescription stuff, I did 3 giant loads of laundry at the laundromat (that was the biggest pain), I hung up all the clothes (mine & Sterling's both--he keeps most of his stuff at my place since he doesn't have a room at his apartment anymore) and cleaned the whole apartment, I cleaned out the car (okay, only partially), and I made pico de gallo.

It was the most accomplished day I've had in a long time. I mean, I know anyone can run errands, but I enjoyed it and did a really good job getting everything done! Someday, I'm going to be the multi-tasking housewife extraordinaire. 

Until then, I'm stuck failing science classes and carting other peoples' annoying children to and from school, Spanish lessons, and swim practice. Cool.

Also, today I discovered that Sterling has been using my good, expensive conditioner on his beard. Men, right?!

I quit.

I feel like giving up on school.

I've been struggling with my anatomy class from the start. But the last few weeks, I've been putting a lot more time into it. I've actually read all the chapters, I've studied the diagrams in the book, I've taken practice quizzes online, I've even followed the weird tips the professor has given us, like not studying at all the day of the exam. And I feel like I actually know what's going on in that class. Like, I tell Sterling random anatomy facts as we're driving around even. I know all the types of articulations on the body, I know what somas and dendrites are, I can tell you the different sections of the brain, I know all the modalities of the different senses. Yesterday, I had an exam and I've probably felt more prepared for it than any other in that class.

And I got a 42%.

I don't even know what to do. I've done so much! And I will die if I end up failing this class. I did the math and I pay about $1600 per class. So wasting all the money, not to mention time?! Oh hellll no.

I have an exam in the lab portion of that class this Tuesday. I've actually been doing better in that part; the last couple quizzes I've gotten 80 and 85% on. But I've been devoting all my time lately to studying the lecture material, so I'm pretty behind in the lab part now. So I'm not expecting a good grade on this test.

Not to mention I have a Chemistry exam the following Monday, and I'm definitely borderline passing that class, as well. Once again, the lab part I have mostly A's in, but the lecture part I'm failing.

I want to be done with school. I feel like I wasted so much time taking random classes because my plans have changed so much. Looking at my transcript, there are so many classes that are useless to me now. Economical statistics? Astronomy? Half a dozen child development and family life classes? Well, those last ones will come in handy if we move to Pocatello ever and I transfer to ISU, since I'd switch to a BS of General Family & Consumer Sciences there.

Honestly? Whenever I actually get a degree, whether it's in Nutrition, Health Sciences, or Family & Consumer Sciences.....I have no clue what I actually want to do with it. Literally, none. I just know that I'm interested in those topics (just not the prereqs that lead up to them).

I just want to have a nice job with a desk of my own that I can put cute family pictures on and eat my lunch out of a cool Tupperware thing at, and receive a decent paycheck from. That's all.

The expectation trap.

You know those articles or book you read that totally change your perspective on things? I found one of those today. I chose this article to review & analyze for an assignment for my Individual & Family Life Development class and I fell in love with it. It just really spoke to me.

Here is the link to the article if you wish to read it: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201003/the-expectations-trap

Obviously, Sterling and I have a good relationship. A really good one. But sometimes when we fight, I over-analyze everything and freak out and think that we've got major issues. He reminds me all the time that we're going to disagree and we're going to fight, and yeah, we're going to do those things for the rest of our life. It's what couples do and it's okay. It doesn't mean we're going to get divorced in a few years.

This article talks about how our society conditions us to believe that our relationships should be perfect, and if they're not, we've got to change them. We are conditioned to think that we have to strive for perfection in every aspect of our life and if something isn't meeting our very specific ideal, then we have to change it. This ends up leading us to think we've got to change the flaws in our relationships, and guess what? We're a very entitled society (always thinking that we 'deserve' better), so this ends up usually leaving us thinking that our partner is the flawed one, rarely ourselves.

Our society gives us too many choices on everything, so we get used to the idea of always making choices to improve our happiness. The constant appraisal of our personal life to improve happiness creates a heightened sensitivity to problems that arise in our relationships. We think we need to be happy 24/7, and that it's our partners job to fulfill our happiness. So when we're unhappy, we want to immediately make a new choice that's going to 'fix' our problem, rather than just recognizing that sometimes things aren't perfect and we just have to find the good in everything. With relationships, we have to remember our commitment to our partner and what that means and entails. Commitment is the ability to sustain an investment, to honor values over momentary feelings. This means sticking through the hard times and not expecting your partner to change and find a way to fix your every concern, or not wanting to leave the relationship when things are hard, thinking that there must be something better out there.

I've been guilty of all these mistakes at one time or another. I need to accept 'flaws' in our relationship. I need to stop thinking that Sterling needs to make things better when we do have problems. I need to stop appraising our relationship so much. I need to just let things be, and enjoy the fact that we're happy and we love each other, and that we're committed. And those things can overcome anything. 

Cookies & cadavers.

I'm a very hopeful, anxious little bundle of nerves right now.

So we're getting married in exactly a month from today. And I didn't think it was possible to be anymore excited than I was, or to love him anymore than I already did, but both of those things are rapidly increasing all the time.

Also, this guy from Lamb Weston (where Sterling had a summer internship) called him yesterday and wants him to apply for a job there that just opened up. Do you know how amazing that would be if Sterling could just take that job and we could move to Pocatello in a couple of months? It would be beyond great--I can't even describe how happy I'd be. But Sterling needs to finish his degree somehow still; he has one semester left. So on Friday, he's going to meet with his advisor to see if there's a way he can work it out, like maybe taking his last few classes online or something so that he could take the job now. I hopehopehope it works out, SO bad! You have no idea how badly I want to move to Southeast Idaho and get settled there.

Anyway, I've been on a crafting spree lately, getting things ready for the wedding. How about a sneak peak?

Corina has a Cricut, and oh dear heavens, that thing is amazing. We've been having fun with it. These are tags for people to write "Words of Wisdom" (aka marriage advice) on. They're dark purple and we'll have gold pens to use.

This was a little project of mine. Just a pretty gold S to put on the guestbook table or something!

Signs for the cookies & hot chocolate bar at the reception!

This is my next project. It's vinyl that I'm going to make a cute little sign with! Ahhh, I'm so excited for it :)

So that's all the wedding stuff I have to show for now. Do you know how hard it is to focus on school when there's all this fun stuff to do and think about? Real hard. My midterm grades show that. And now I should go study for my anatomy test that is Friday. Just when I start getting all the bones and muscles down, they start throwing all of these nerves at me! Ridiculous.

Oh, P.S.: have you ever seen a real human cadaver head (like, with the face and skin and eyes and hair all still on, and brain inside) sawed in half? Yeah, that's something I could have been fine with never seeing. Too late.

Oh, Placerville.

Every once in awhile, I spend my free time browsing the list of current inmates of El Dorado County Jail back in my hometown. I always know a lot of them, whether they're from high school or they're parents of kids from my old work or whatever. Back when I was a junior in high school, there was this big, messy incident where I had to go to court and testify against some punkass kids over the course of a year or so, and I always get really happy seeing when those people are back in jail again. I know, it's a weird little sick pleasure of mine. But it also just makes me really happy that I don't live around there anymore. I know that there are crappy people all over, but El Dorado County just seems to have a lot more than anywhere else. And Idaho has a lot less than most places, I think. I love Idaho.

This is going to be the longest stretch of time I've ever been away from home. From mid-July until Christmastime. I feel like a lot is going to change when I see Placerville next. The last time I visited, there was suddenly a new Panda Express that had just popped up, and they closed a Starbucks. Oh, and my favorite teacher from high school moved to a classroom on the other side of campus. Crazy stuff, I know.

I feel weird calling Placerville home now. I mean, I know that it will always be 'home' in a sense, because I grew up there and that's where my family is. But it's not my home anymore. I don't consider it home. I'll probably never live there again. And that's weird for me to realize that it's not home. Idaho is. I actually kind of consider myself homeless at the moment, because Moscow is a temporary home. Wherever we move to and settle next summer will (hopefully) be our permanent home. I'm excited for that.

I just said the word 'home' eight times in that last paragraph. I think it was kind of overkill. But you get the point.

I love you, but....

As far back as I can remember, my sister has been the loudest, most annoying chewer ever. Especially when it comes to things like baby carrots or chips. I don't even have a clue as to how she chews so loudly. It's insane.

Lately, Sterling and I have been arguing about my 'loud' eating. Ever since he told me this story about how he used to get so irritated with his best friend Dustin back when they lived together because Dustin always ate cereal so dang loud, Sterling has started to pay attention to my chewing noises. I swear, he never said a thing about it until he told me about the Dustin thing. Last night, I was eating noodles and apparently slurping too loudly. Doesn't everyone make some sort of slurping sound when eating noodles?!

I know relationships are about compromise, but wouldn't it make more sense for him to just be less anal about how loud I chew, than for me to try to alter my eating style and chew 'more quietly'? Sterling disagrees with this.

I think I'm going to start feeding him baby carrots and noodles for dinner every night, then show him that he, too, makes noises when eating.

It's inevitable, love.

Though I do think I'm going to have my sister eat carrots constantly around Sterling when we see her next month, so maybe, just maybe, Sterling will realize that I'm not all that bad and maybe let my noises slide a bit more.

blood tests and pumpkins.

So I went to the doctor this morning over in Pullman to find out why I'm losing so much hair. I've never been to a doctor up here before, but I really like my new one! Anyway, he thinks some sort of hormonal imbalance is what's causing my hair loss, so I had some blood tests done and I should find out by the middle of next week what the results are. If they find something there, I'll be put on meds and that will be that. If they find nothing, I'll have to do more tests. I'd really rather not be on medication, but I just want them to find a solution ASAP before I lose much more hair. I'm kind of really freaking out about it.

Other than that, it's the weekend! Which basically means doing more wedding stuff. I've got some crafts planned. Five weeks from tomorrow! Eeekkk!

Here are some of the pumpkins Corina and I painted thus far. Aren't they cute?! Now we have like 25 more to paint!

rollin'.

I've had mini pumpkins and glitter and paint spread out on newspaper in the middle of the living room floor for a week now. There are also bags from Michael's all over the apartment filled with cupcake liners and scrapbooking paper and stamps and ribbon and more glitter and paint and everything imaginable. A corner of my bedroom is devoted to the wedding and is filled with favors and more pumpkins and ribbon and our guestbook and my bridesmaid presents.

This wedding has officially taken over my apartment. And, you know, my life too. But that's okay. I'm to the point now where it's all coming together and most things are done and I can just focus on being excited. Not that I'm not going to stress out about it for the next 5 1/2 weeks, but just not as much as before.

I think I'm going to be really sad once the wedding is over. Well, actually once we're back in Moscow after the wedding and honeymoon and Thanksgiving in Grace. Then I'll be really sad. Then again, I guess I'll have Christmas to focus on next. But it's sad to think that all of this big hoopla and excitement and planning and everything will be over soon. I mean, I'll be married then, which is wonderful, but it'll still be sad to have it all be over.

Actually, I think next semester will be the sad part, really. 4 months in cold, snowy, gloomy Moscow being engulfed in school. Did I mention that I have to take Stats, Carbon Compounds Chemistry, and Physiology all next semester? Yeeeup. Since my major will be changing once I transfer, those are pretty much the only classes I can take here that will go toward my new degree elsewhere. That.....really sucks. But once those dreaded 4 months are over, we can move! I've already started sending in Sterling's resume to a bunch of places in Eastern Idaho and Northern Utah. I'm really excited to be down in that area. So cross your fingers that he'll get a good job down there ASAP!

For now though, I'm going to revel in all of this wedding planning fun. 38 more days!!!

One of those mornings.

I had a really hard time waking up this morning. It took me over an hour to actually get completely up and start getting ready for church. I tried on about five different outfits but none of them felt right, so I just settled on one and then asked Sterling about seven times if I looked alright. We're running late for church (as usual) and once we get there, the parking lot is completely empty. We forgot it was stake conference, which was across town and started an hour earlier. Oops. I was actually pretty disappointed about this, because I really wanted to go.

So we decide to head to WinCo instead (I know, I know, breaking the Sabbath!) and pick up a few much-needed groceries. We go to check out and realize that the debit card (we only have one right now, the bank is taking forever to send Sterling's new one) is in Sterling's wallet, which was not on him since he was wearing his suit. Oops again. And WinCo apparently doesn't take credit cards. So we were those poor people who had to send our groceries back because we couldn't pay for them.

I feel like when I do my laundry today, I'm going to end up bleaching everything or something, and I'm going to catch dinner on fire, I'm pretty sure. It just seems like one of those days.

The hardest thing.

As I was sitting here, browsing random FB profiles waiting for Sterling to get off work, I came across the blog of the mom of this kid from my town who was killed in a car accident last March. She wrote about how she walked for him at his high school graduation shortly after he died, and how she knew he was watching over her then, because they frequently talked about how her biggest regret was not finishing school. And how Travis, one of her son's best friends, made it a point to come hug her when they saw each other this August....and then Travis died a couple of weeks later. And how she kept receiving letters in the mail from UNR about campus events and such, and she finally had to call the university and tell them he wasn't going to be attending because he had died. I cried while reading it. It's amazing what some people have to go through, and how much they can/have to handle. I can't even imagine.

Meaningless updates.

A couple of weeks ago I noticed that an abnormal amount of hair has been gathering in my hairbrush. Like, not even kidding. I think I'm going bald. I'm convinced I'm going to be bald by the time my wedding gets here. Sterling thinks it's funny to tease me about this. It doesn't go over well. But he's convinced he'll be bald in the next few years too, so I guess we're in this together.

Facebook creeps me out sometimes. And pisses me off. No, I do not want to be friends with my fiance's crazy, skanky ex-girlfriend, thankyouverymuch. Please keep her overly-made-up little face off of my page.

I'm missing my hometown a teensy bit right about now. There's this area called Apple Hill which is just a ton of cute orchards with delicious apple-y and fall-ish treats all over the place. It's quite the tourist attraction during this time of the year, and it's the best place to take a little day trip to on the weekends. Apple doughnuts, caramel apple milkshakes, apple cider....oh goodness. I'm hoping that Sterling and I will have a chance to make it there while we're visiting my parents for Christmas, although things kind of die down around there by then.

Tomorrow Corina and I will start decorating all the pumpkins for the wedding. I'm probably way more excited than what is merited. But that's okay, because ohmygoshthey'regonnabeSOcute!!!

And I've been depriving myself of sleep lately, so we're going to end it here and hopefully I'll actually go to bed. One of these days I'll write a blog that actually has a little thought put into it, I promise.

Hello October.

It's October already. When did this happen? We're getting married next month. Holy crap, really?!

Our friends Kyle and Karina got engaged last night. They've been together for like 5 years or something crazy like that. When I found out he was going to propose yesterday, I was super excited and let out one of those ginormous girly squeals. Then after he did it we went over to their house and celebrated and squealed again over the ring and such. Ah gosh, marriage and engagements and weddings and everything are my favorite thing. Ever.

We've got our invites all designed finally, and I'm working with a lady on Etsy designing our inserts for the ceremony. And another lady who's designing our wedding favors. I made & ordered the guestbook and earrings for my bridesmaids the other night, and found out where we're getting the flowers from. Eeeek, it's all starting to come together!!! 7 weeks from today. Wow!

And on the un-wedding-related side of things, well, not too much is going on there. I'm still having a horrible semester at school. Like, the worst ever. Anatomy is killing me. Chemistry isn't much better. How is it I can do well and enjoy an upper-level microbiology course last semester but struggle to pass (actually, I don't think I'm even passing it at the moment) an entry-level Chem class? I hate all these science courses I have to take. Why does Nutrition have to be a Bachelor's of Science? I'm ready to be done with this semester.

I'm having a huge craving for eggs right now. Which is better than craving ice cream for breakfast or something, which indeed happens. Often. I'm not going to disclose how often I give into that craving.

Happy October!