Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The temptations of the adversary cannot overpower those who hearken unto the word of God. 
1 Ne. 15:24

Ever since I even started to think of getting baptized, I constantly am told how the adversary will try harder and harder to lead me away from doing so. I have never believed it more than during these last few days.

I've been so sure since the beginning that I wanted to be baptized. It never really was even a question for me, I just knew I wanted it so I've been going about the process of becoming LDS without really even a second though. It just felt good and natural, and right.

Then I set the date for my baptism. Next Saturday, the 2nd. And ever since, things have just been crazy. I've had so much opposition, and I feel like I'm constantly struggling to defend myself and what I'm doing. And for the first time, I started to doubt myself and what I decided to do.

I mean, how could I not? When the people who have known me for most or all of my life are doubting me, it's hard to ignore them entirely. I can only be stubborn for so long before I start breaking down and considering what is being said against me.

I nearly decided to not get baptized yet last night. I felt like I needed to wait and figure things out and really decide if it was the right thing. It was a pretty messy night, to say the least. I've had these periodic breakdowns the last couple of months concerning this issue, which is expected, but the last week or so everything has just snowballed into a giant struggle.

At the end, though, I decided to go through with my baptism. I realized I need to remember and focus on how I felt and though before I started hearing all these other opinions. I realized that's how I feel about it, and what I want to do. That hasn't changed. How I feel hasn't changed. What's right hasn't changed.

Honestly, I've just come to have even more faith than I did before, because I've felt the adversary working away at weakening me. I'm seeing truths of the church happen right before my eyes. Nothing has changed.   

Come ye and let us walk in the light of the Lord. 2 Ne. 12:5

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

So there I was being all proud of myself for consistently blogging...then I stopped writing for over a week. Whoops :)

During that time, I took a lovely little day trip to Salt Lake City with Sterling and his parents. I was surprised by how much I liked SLC. It was a nice, good sized city, but still had that cozy, kind of country-ish, nice-people-filled feel to it. I'm a fan. I could be a Utahan, I do believe.

And um, I kinda fell in love with Temple Square. It's absolutely gorgeous with all those cool looking buildings and flowers and fountains everywhere you look...not to mention the giant pretty temple! I love the SLC Temple. That and the San Diego one are tied for my favorite. I didn't want to ever leave Temple Square, it was pretty mesmerizing. Plus there were a bunch of wedding going on the day we went, and well, I'm rather fascinated with weddings lately :)

It was really just like no place I had ever been to before. And this probably sounds weird or like I'm generalizing or being stereotypical or something but.....dang, I just love being around lots of Mormons. They're just so different from the people I'm used to being surrounded around, and it's a very nice, appreciated change! I never want to be away from Idaho or Utah for very long again once this summer is over. California is nice and all, and it has it's cool areas, but it's just not for me anymore. I can't wait to live somewhere with nice, normal people who share the same ideas and values. I know you're going to run into crappy, shady people no matter where you live, but there are not nearly as many there as there are here.

So this wasn't a very long, detailed update, but I will get to that later. Just wanted to get something posted now!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart: and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy way acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Proverbs 3:5-6
No well-fitting scriptures to kick off this post, no deep spiritual thoughts that make me feel like I'm growing increasingly closer to my Heavenly Father. This is purely about my own personal struggles that have been here with me long before I found God, and will likely continue to bring me obstacles no matter how strong my faith becomes.

I pray about just about everything. I pray for comfort when I'm upset, I pray asking to keep the things in my life which I cherish, I pray for my loved ones, I pray for strength to get me through things…honestly, I've even prayed begging for my newly dyed hair to turn out to be the right color.

And as much as I know prayer helps and benefits me, I've also recently come to realize that sometimes I just need to work real hard and make a continual conscious effort to change something about myself or how I handle things, instead of just praying and waiting around hoping that God has figured out a way to help me. Sometimes I'm just supposed to figure out how to help myself.

Lately I'm having the worst struggle with my fears making me insecure. I get so afraid of losing something I love that I end up pushing it away, then realize what I'm doing and get upset with myself, then I get insecure about everything, and it just turns into a vicious cycle. I can never just let things be, and see it as it is, and just be happy with that. I have to constantly overanalyze everything, which just messes things up when there was no actual problem in the first place.

I'm trying to change. I want to so bad, because I don't want to let my insecurities damage something that should be amazing.

The other night I realized that I adopted these traits from my dad.  I love him dearly of course, but I grew up knowing that there were things about him that I did not want to ever pick up. I saw how these things hurt him and damaged his relationships with the people closest to him, and I wanted to learn from that.

So when I realized that I developed these habits myself, it really scared me. I want to stop this cycle and just learn how to be happy with things when they're good…because they are good. Really good.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Behold, I would exhort that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, they ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts. 

And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. 

And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.

Moroni 10:3-5