Monday, May 23, 2011

Sometimes  I surprise myself. Today was one of those times.

I tend to not like going places alone. If it's shopping of any sort, from groceries to clothes, I'd much prefer being alone. For some reason, I can't ever shop successfully if I have company. That's about it, though.

So of course the idea of going to church alone made me really uncomfortable, scared even. I had never been to the LDS church here, nor have I ever been to an LDS church without Sterling, nor have I ever actually been to any sort of church service of any religion without someone with me.

I hated the idea of going there without knowing what to expect, and without anyone to share my discomfort and awkwardness of the unfamiliar with. All the nervous issues aside, I've also just really been struggling with my emotions from being homesick for Idaho and my boyfriend, and doing something alone that I'm used to having him there with me for pretty much just compounded any sadness I was already feeling.

But I went anyway. Despite all of the negative feelings I had about the situation, something still made me really want to go. And I'm glad I did. I plan to keep on going, alone. Not only did it help comfort me and help me remember to look at the big picture and not focus only on my current problems, it also reminded me that I am capable of being independent.

Come to think of it, I've surprised myself a few times regarding the LDS church.

Like the day I stopped the Sister Missionaries in the Institute parking lot and asked them if they could meet with me. Before then, all I ever did was read a little of the Book of Mormon and discuss things with Sterling. I knew I wanted to take the next step, but I didn't know when, and I definitely didn't think that was how I'd do it. I really don't even think I even meant to talk to the missionaries that day, but somehow that came out of my mouth anyway, and that was the first time I realized that this was something I truly wanted to do….for me.

I also surprised myself by the fact that I never really got nervous about my meetings with the missionaries. I always chose to go alone, and I really liked those meetings. I constantly surprised myself by the way I talked about things like the Gospel and how I feel about the religion. Everything I said was true, they were just so hard for me to say to anyone but whoever was at those meetings. I still don't fully understand why I have a hard time opening up about these things to other people, but I'm working on it and hope I eventually start surprising myself regarding that, as well.

I guess my point through all of this is that this religion has opened me up in ways I didn't expect, and I feel it working through me. It touches me in new ways all the time, and that just continues to prove to me more and more that it is true, and I know that these choices I am making are right.

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