Thursday, June 9, 2011

No well-fitting scriptures to kick off this post, no deep spiritual thoughts that make me feel like I'm growing increasingly closer to my Heavenly Father. This is purely about my own personal struggles that have been here with me long before I found God, and will likely continue to bring me obstacles no matter how strong my faith becomes.

I pray about just about everything. I pray for comfort when I'm upset, I pray asking to keep the things in my life which I cherish, I pray for my loved ones, I pray for strength to get me through things…honestly, I've even prayed begging for my newly dyed hair to turn out to be the right color.

And as much as I know prayer helps and benefits me, I've also recently come to realize that sometimes I just need to work real hard and make a continual conscious effort to change something about myself or how I handle things, instead of just praying and waiting around hoping that God has figured out a way to help me. Sometimes I'm just supposed to figure out how to help myself.

Lately I'm having the worst struggle with my fears making me insecure. I get so afraid of losing something I love that I end up pushing it away, then realize what I'm doing and get upset with myself, then I get insecure about everything, and it just turns into a vicious cycle. I can never just let things be, and see it as it is, and just be happy with that. I have to constantly overanalyze everything, which just messes things up when there was no actual problem in the first place.

I'm trying to change. I want to so bad, because I don't want to let my insecurities damage something that should be amazing.

The other night I realized that I adopted these traits from my dad.  I love him dearly of course, but I grew up knowing that there were things about him that I did not want to ever pick up. I saw how these things hurt him and damaged his relationships with the people closest to him, and I wanted to learn from that.

So when I realized that I developed these habits myself, it really scared me. I want to stop this cycle and just learn how to be happy with things when they're good…because they are good. Really good.

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