So...can I start drinking Diet Coke again then...?

I have high blood pressure. Like, way too high for an otherwise healthy 20 year old with no risk factors for high blood pressure. My doctors have no clue why I do. Well, one thinks she does, but I beg to differ. She basically told me I was a frazzled, broken mess and all I needed to do to lower my BP was to sit in a corner and use a prayer box. I needed to find God and quit being an emotional mess. She made me cry in her office. My mom was furious with the woman. I love my mom.

Anyway, here I am a year later and guess what? I found God! Yup. I go to church every Sunday and I read scriptures and I pray (without the use of whatever the hell a prayer box is, thankyouverymuch). But, um, my blood pressure is higher than it's ever been. Maybe I found the wrong God. Whoops.

I've done everything humanly possible it seems to take care of this issue of mine. I've gone to multiple doctors, had tests and bloodwork and ultrasounds, but still nothing. My faulty kidneys are not the culprit. Neither are the coffee, artificial sweeteners, sodium, or caffeine that I've cut out of my diet. It's not genetic. I have no clue.

So in the meantime, I get to listen to stories from my grandma about So-and-so who also had mysterious BP issues, and she had multiple miscarriages and live-births and well, her life is kind of miserable and depressing.

Anyway, my only conclusion is that I'm really this uber-anxious stressed out little bundled up ball of nerves and I'm so used to being that way that I can't even tell when I'm stressed. I just have a constant level of stress. I just said 'stress' waaay too many times in that sentence. I think my body hides things from myself. On second thought, I don't think I'm capable of being that complex.

I know this was a mess of rambling about nothing significant. I apologize.

I'm the worst.

No, really. I'm a horrible blogger. I want to be a good one so bad, and I always think about blogging, but that somehow never translates to me actually sitting down at the computer and writing. Nope, instead I spend hours stalking people on Facebook (mostly wedding pictures) or on weddinggawker.com (doing what else...looking at weddings) or reading whatever blogs I can come across (often by Mormons or about Mormons). I know, I need some new hobbies other than being an engaged Mormon.

School started, and that's keeping me kind of busy too I guess. School feels so different this semester though. I've had many moments sitting in class, looking at the other girls or overhearing conversations, where I start thinking that I wish I went to BYUI. Or Utah State. Because I feel like I'm in a different place than everyone else here lately. I spend my time planning my wedding and thinking of where I want my husband and I to move to and settle down next summer. I have baby fever (I know, that's bad and crazy and whatever). I get excited about a stew that turns out well and about buying a new couch. Not playing beerpong or hooking up with the hot new guy from Delta Kappawhatever.

And I feel very stereotypical saying that. I feel like that's something so cliche and annoying to hear this little 20 year old, newly engaged and suddenly Mormon girl to say. I agree, it is. But I still feel that way. I'm craving living somewhere more LDS-ish. I guess I spent too much time in southeast Idaho and Northern Utah this summer, because I love it there. 

Either way, I love U of I. It's a million times better than living and schooling in California. But I still can't help but get pretty excited about getting to move somewhere else in less than a year.

Suddenly life means so much

Whenever I stop to think about it, I realize just how crazy it is that I'm at where I am at. I mean, from my life in general right down to exactly where I physically am at this very second.

Never would I have ever guessed that right now I would be sitting in an LDS familys' house in the middle of a tiny farmtown in Idaho with my fiance downstairs. I don't think I ever really thought I'd be living somewhere other than California. Or that I'd be getting married at twenty years old. Or that I'd be a Mormon. 

I have no clue how I got here. It seems like I've had at least a half dozen life plans since I was 16 or so, but none of them worked out. And none of them were even remotely as crazy as this one. This current life plan never was really even a plan at all. Well, I did know I was going to marry Sterling since the day I met him, no joke. But I'm still amazed that my little declaration to myself last fall has amounted to this. The one plan that I thought was the least likely to ever go through was the only one that actually is. 

And I think the fact that this all is so crazy and unexpected is the exact reason why I have so much faith in it. Something so random and out-of-the-blue and unplanned fell together so perfectly, there is no doubt in my mind that it must just be meant to be. How else would this have happened? This is where I am supposed to be, and I'm with who I'm supposed to be with, and there is a greater power pulling this together because there is no way I would have found my way here on my own.

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Don't worry bout nothing, pray about everything

I have officially left home; the house, town, state I grew up in. Not that I've really even lived there really much of the last year, but this time it is for good. The next time I come home, it'll be with my husband. I'll be married. This week when I go to the Caribou County DMV, I'll be registering my car, getting my Idaho license, and taking the first step to officially giving up my California residency.

A year from now, I have no idea where I'll be living. All I know is that it'll be somewhere in Idaho (at least most likely) and wherever Sterling can get a job, and I just hope that it's near a school where I can finish my degree. That part really scares me, actually. I haven't done anything how my family wanted me to do it, but a degree is the one promise I've made them that I really want to keep.

This whole thing is the most insane mix of scary, exciting, and crazy. I guess it's time for me to just jump in without thinking too much. That's what I did when I first decided to move to Idaho last year, I just liked the idea of it and it felt good, so I did it and never looked back. And things have fallen into place pretty well, it seems. So it looks like it's time to jump again now, and just trust that everything will work out again. This past year has been one big lesson of faith in all things.

Ikea makes me cry.

This might sound like a dumb story, but maybe if I write it out and am able to laugh at myself for it, it won't seem so ridiculous...so here goes.

I've always loved shopping alone. I'd much rather go to the mall or Target or wherever by myself than with friends or anyone (though I do enjoy shopping with friends). I love having free time to wander around Sacramento and see what I can find. So today I decided to go to Ikea to pick up some things for my new apartment.

Firstly, I was proud that I found my way there without getting lost and ending up driving through the ghetto (this happens more often than I'd like). I was very excited about this Ikea trip, because they have tons of great things for cheap.

However, I can promise you I'll never step foot in an Ikea alone again.

The upstairs 'showroom' is a suffocating, confusing, anxiety-attack-inducing maze that traps you. I spent a good half hour following the little black arrows on the floor that promised they'd lead me safely downstairs, only to realize they had me going in circles and weaving back and forth unnecessarily. I COULD NOT FIND MY WAY OUT. It was terrifying. Cue panic attack #1.

Finally, I found my way to a bizarrely shaped staircase that led me downstairs to all the giant aisles of boxes of furniture and such. I found my tables that I wanted, no problem. Then I realized there was no way little ol' me was carrying these two giant boxes to checkout. So I went on a search for a cart-thing....and there were no in sight. After a good 15 minutes of searching (cue panic attack #2), I found one, loaded my boxes, and checked the hell out of that place....only to realize I left the $3 silverware set (that I REALLY wanted) on a box when I was trying to load my giant coffee table onto my cart.

It sounds dumb, but the entire time I was stuck in IkeaHell, I felt the lonliest I've felt in a long time. Nobody else was there alone, they all had their cute little significant other to help them navigate the scary store and pick up heavy boxes and push the dumb carts. I wanted nothing more than to have someone with me. Of course, I was texting The Fiance during this experience, but tried to not let my probably ridiculous-seeming feelings be too obvious for the sake of seeming independent enough to go to freakin Ikea by myself.

But you know what, I can still be an independent woman who just happens to cry in the Ikea parking lot out of pure frustration. I'm also one who now knows not to go to big trendy, scary stores alone!

Sometimes I get sad that I'm not getting married in a Temple. Between seeing pictures of friends' Temple weddings to all these LDS wedding blogs I browse 24/7, it's starting to get to me. It's weird though, because there are plenty of aspects of getting married there that I don't like, like the fact that none of my own family could be there, or that I'd have to wait until next July to get married, or that I'm so used to traditional weddings and the styles and practices of them since I only really knew learned about Temple weddings within the last six months. I still just feel like I'm missing out on something by having a regular ceremony. I'd be missing out on things if we did have a Temple wedding though, too. So I don't really even know what my problem is. I just want everything and I'm stressing out and I want our wedding to be perfect and special and everything we could ever want.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

So, my life has consisted of some pretty majors events recently, from good to bad to just about everything in-between. Getting engaged, getting baptized, planning a wedding, taking lovely trips to SE Idaho, dealing with disapproving friends and family members, having my two best friends hate me for no reason, thinking I'm getting fired for two weeks straight, my dad actually really losing his job, defending my religious and life choices constantly, continually trying to convince my father I'm not running away and getting married because I hate my family, being away from my fiance for weeks at a time, and just plain being incredibly homesick for Idaho.

I keep thinking I'm going to blog about those things, but...I haven't. And I'm still not going to. Because, honestly? The only two things on my mind are this:

Idaho. Southeast Idaho, to be exact. Though I'd love to be anywhere in the state right now, I've fallen in love with this area...hard. There's just so much space and openess; nothing confines you. I go there and I'm not surrounded by big buildings or suffocating forests or mobs of people or anything. There's just space and you and gorgeousness and room to breathe. It's so different from here. It's my happy place. The fact that my favorite person and my second family are there may have something to do with that, as well. Which brings me to the second thing on my mind:

The one person who can make me happy no matter what is going on in my life, which he has proved time after time. He listens to my problems and is always sympathetic, even when he's heard me whine about the same issue over and over again and is probably more than frustrated that I haven't just used the obvious solution. He talks me through anything and wakes up when I call him at 1am crying. He comforts me and loves me and lets me know it whenever he knows I need to. And he does all of this from 700 miles away.


I absolutely cannot wait until I'm able to combine these two things in 12 days. I will be one happy, happy girl.

I went on a blog-stalking kick and decided that I want mine to be more....life-ish in general, not entirely religious like I've been doing. So hope you enjoy reading all my rather insignificant posts about whatever I feel like writing about at any given time :)

So I can now officially call myself a Mormon. Yep, I’ve been dunked! I’m also officially engaged to my best friend & the love of my life, but that’s a whole other story.

I’m glad I’ve taken this step. My baptism was so nice. All the speeches my soon-to-be family gave were great, and everything just really felt right, like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Now I just need to put some effort in on my part, because I know I’ve been slacking on prayer and reading the scriptures recently. And I know that I probably need to do both of those now more than ever. Now that I have the Holy Ghost, I need to utilize that and give my prayers more direction, and hopefully receive more and better guidance. I’m in major need of strength from somewhere, that’s for sure.

I can’t wait to be back in Moscow (or Idaho in general) with people who understand things better. I’m excited to officially be a member of the ward up there and to make new friends. Yeah, I’m that nerdy kid who’s excited for school to start. Counting down the days, actually.

The temptations of the adversary cannot overpower those who hearken unto the word of God. 
1 Ne. 15:24

Ever since I even started to think of getting baptized, I constantly am told how the adversary will try harder and harder to lead me away from doing so. I have never believed it more than during these last few days.

I've been so sure since the beginning that I wanted to be baptized. It never really was even a question for me, I just knew I wanted it so I've been going about the process of becoming LDS without really even a second though. It just felt good and natural, and right.

Then I set the date for my baptism. Next Saturday, the 2nd. And ever since, things have just been crazy. I've had so much opposition, and I feel like I'm constantly struggling to defend myself and what I'm doing. And for the first time, I started to doubt myself and what I decided to do.

I mean, how could I not? When the people who have known me for most or all of my life are doubting me, it's hard to ignore them entirely. I can only be stubborn for so long before I start breaking down and considering what is being said against me.

I nearly decided to not get baptized yet last night. I felt like I needed to wait and figure things out and really decide if it was the right thing. It was a pretty messy night, to say the least. I've had these periodic breakdowns the last couple of months concerning this issue, which is expected, but the last week or so everything has just snowballed into a giant struggle.

At the end, though, I decided to go through with my baptism. I realized I need to remember and focus on how I felt and though before I started hearing all these other opinions. I realized that's how I feel about it, and what I want to do. That hasn't changed. How I feel hasn't changed. What's right hasn't changed.



Honestly, I've just come to have even more faith than I did before, because I've felt the adversary working away at weakening me. I'm seeing truths of the church happen right before my eyes. Nothing has changed.   

Come ye and let us walk in the light of the Lord. 2 Ne. 12:5