Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Almost every Sunday I get annoyed with Sterling for playing on his cell during church, wishing he'd just listen and let all this great wisdom sink in. Or sometimes when there are a dozen empty diet Coke cans scattered throughout the living room at the end of the day, I get so frustrated wishing he'd be more thoughtful and clean up after himself.

I admit that I sometimes forget how good he is. How kind, and loving, and thoughtful, and caring he is.

He's constantly giving money away. When we're at the check-out at Safeway and the cashier asks if he'd like to donate to whatever foundation, he always says yes, and it takes me aback, because I always brush those things off without even thinking. Or like when he gave money to a monk visiting our campus. Or when we were driving up to Moscow together, some rude guy asked me for gas money and I turned him down, not wanting to be nice to someone who was just mean to me--when I told Sterling about this guy, I expected him to be on my side and say something to back me up, instead he looped around the parking lot looking for the guy so we could buy him gas.

Yesterday, he reached out to a guy who needs someone to care. The kid bore his testimony in church, and spoke of some hard things he was going through. And Sterling cared. I hope that I would've done the same thing, but I can't honestly say I know that I would. He did it out of nowhere. We were about to watch The Office when he said he wanted to send this guy an email quickly, just saying he cares and is there if he needs anything. The guy seemed to have really appreciated it, and I can tell Sterling made a difference.

I want to be more like that. I want to be able to recognize that people who are mean probably need more love and kindness than anyone else. I want to put others first more often, and people I don't even know. I want to be able to give away my money without thinking about how much I'd like to keep it for myself. I want to make doing small, Christ-like gestures more of a second-nature thing.

I'm blessed that I have someone so generous and caring, and who inspires me to better myself everyday.

Monday, September 26, 2011

the old days.

Pardon me while I get a little reminiscent here. I had the urge to go through my old pieces from when I was in journalism in high school, which led to me looking through old pictures and thinking about how weird it is that we're all where we are now.

Some are frat boys, some are drug addicts, some are married, some are pregnant, some are gay, some are a complete mystery to me, some live in the same town as me, 800 miles from where we grew up. The pictures to follow are missing some people who were crucial parts of my high school life, but they give the general picture, and they remind me of some good times.

This was Corina's....17th?...birthday. All I remember is that it consisted of a lot of bowling, ice cream cake, and some sort of kissing game or dare. I know, we were scandalous.

I wish I kept in touch with some of these people. They were some of the funniest people I've ever met.

I have a confession. After I got my drivers license my sophomore year, I missed (ditched) a lot of school. I got really good at forging my dad's signature. He knew. But I was getting good grades regardless and wasn't doing drugs or anything obviously, so he let it slide. I love him. So much of the time that I should've been in school was spent doing things like this with my school-ditching partner in crime:
(airplane, if you couldn't tell)

 This one just makes me laugh. I just remember being pounced on, and someone caught a picture of it. If you look closely, you can see that Corina was sporting U of I swag way back in the Union Mine days. Circa 2007?

And here was one of my favorite things I wrote back then. I wrote this my sophomore year, and after it the teacher (Mr. Chaney. I <3 him.) made me the editor for the next two years. I wasn't as emo as I sounded, I promise.
 It's what's on the inside that counts. How many times have we heard this line before? Whenever we are hurt by some sort of superficial judgment, we are reminded by our parents, our friends, and our society that it is what is on the inside that matters. You are beautiful on the inside. That line of advice never really helps anybody feel better though, does it? It's outdated, overused, brushed off by everyone. And it should be. Why, because this line is a lie. Your insides aren't pretty. They're bruised, scarred, torn to pieces. Your heart is cracked or shattered, held together by nothing but time. Your mind is haunted by the past; by memories that never fade, only tucked away so you can make it through the day. Your throat is charred from all the words that never left your lips, just swallowed no matter how much they may have burned. Your stomach worn thin from all the times you denied your gut feelings and pushed it down a little deeper. Bruised, cracked, charred, and worn. Now does that honestly sound the least bit pretty to you?

If you want to get down to it, nobody is pretty. Even the most gorgeous person on earth has some ugly, disfiguring marks on the inside. People are amazing like that; we shove everything away and tuck it into the deepest places hoping it will never resurface. We fake happiness, smiles, and perfection. Anything just so we are seen as beautiful. There are so many sides, so many unseen and forgotten crevices to every person. 

Maybe that's the beauty. We're all broken; none of us are truly pure anymore. Our insides aren't the least bit pretty, but they're still amazing. All those scars, burns and bruises are what make us alive. 

Alright, back to September 2011. I live in Idaho, I'm getting married in 8 weeks, and I talk to maybe 1/8 of the people I was friends with 5 years ago. That's sad, yeah, but there were good times and we moved on and grew up. All those people have a nice little niche in my heart and I wish them the best in everything they do. 

Sunday, September 25, 2011


Sunday nights are always really sad times for me. I mourn over the end of the weekend. This one especially, because it went by soso fast. Probably because I was sick, making all of Friday and part of Saturday a blur. I wish I would hurry up and get better. I'm afraid Sterling doesn't want to marry me as much now that he's stuck constantly hearing my blow my loud and nasty nose every ten minutes. Anyway, this weekend was less than productive. And now I have 3 exams in the next 3 days. Nutrition and Chemistry tomorrow, Anatomy on Wednesday.

I feel a bit overwhelmed lately. So much school and so much church, with a good deal of working and wedding planning thrown in, as well as trying to maintain relationships with everyone. I don't think I've had a real conversation with my mom for over a week, and when I ran into my friend Sara today, I realized I hadn't even talked to her in almost two weeks. And the most I've talked to any of my bridesmaids this past week was over a few text messages.

And I feel bad for saying it, but church-related things are definitely falling to the wayside. The thing about being a Mormon though, I'm learning, is that it's hard to brush off the church. Which is good I think, because that's kind of how you need to be with me sometimes. I need people to be pushy and persistent with me or else I'll just forget about things if I'm busy. So I've been having my new-member meetings every Wednesday night. I have an Institute class every Tuesday night. I met with a couple of good guys in the bishopric last week for a lesson, which was nice. One of them pulled me aside today at church and told me the bishop wanted to know if I'll help with the planning of activities for our ward. I said yes. Looks like I'll have to start going to FHE every Monday night now. Today I was also asked if I wanted to be a visiting teacher. I said yes.

Yes, sometimes I get a little annoyed with how much participation is expected of me. But I also know that once I'm actually there doing things, I enjoy it. I meet such great people, like the wife of the bishop's counselor who sat down next to me and told me that her husband had such nice things to say about me after I met with him, and that if Sterling and I ever need anything, don't hesitate to call her. Or the bishop of the other ward who seemed so genuinely excited when he found out that we were engaged at a picnic a few weeks ago. Or any of the amazing sister missionaries I've met, who have been so incredibly sweet and welcoming to me.

I know it's worth it and I always feel best when I am involved with the church. I just wish it wasn't so hard balancing everything right now. I also know that I shouldn't be complaining so much when a good deal of my spare time is spent cuddled up on the couch with that fiance of mine watching The Office (we've made it to the 6th season finally!) when I should be studying or calling my mom or best friends. I can't help it, I'm overly indulgent when it comes to things like that. I can't turn down cuddling, ever.

But now my first exam of the string is in 10 hours, and I need to fit in studying, sleeping, and probably some more Office before that gets here.  Knowing me, I'll probably only accomplish the Office part and maybe a bit of sleep.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I think I'm officially sick. I've felt it coming on for a good week, and then today it hit me pretty good and I'm a snotty, sore-throated mess. I wish I bought some OJ at Winco today. One of the kids I babysit has a bad flu aaand I get to spend all day tomorrow with her. I have a feeling I won't be getting any better anytime soon.

On another note, I hate that I'm saying this because it's not my place to judge, but I can't help it. Do you know how many girls I went to high school with are pregnant/had babies? Like, the class above me and younger. I just counted 12 off the top of my head, but I know I'm missing a ton. Those are just girls I know more personally. I just don't get it. Things happen, I know. But I don't think it's really THAT hard to not get pregnant. There are easy things to do, ya know? I know that many people think I'm too young to get married (funny enough, only California people think that.), and I'm sure I'll probably start popping out babies at an age that people also think is too young...but at least I'll be popping out babies on purpose. It'll be a good surprise, not an "Oh CRAP" crying on the bathroom floor kind of thing. At least I don't think it will be.

It's just crazy to me. Okay, I think I'm done with my rant now.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I think I grew up.

As of these past few days, Sterling and I now have a bank account together. We also bought a Brita water filter pitcher (that made me feel really adultish). I've been bringing him lunch at school. I've been looking online for things to buy him for Christmas, and realized that they'll be gifts for my husband. I realized this Thanksgiving and Christmas we will spend as a married couple. And my birthday will be spent as a wife. My last birthday I spent moving to Idaho. The birthday before that I spent in NYC with my sister. This one will be spent as a married woman, doing whatever married couples do on birthdays.

My mom sent me a package the other day. On the note inside, she opened with "Hi kids!" not "Hi Kelli honey!". Sterling has keys to my apartment and car. Actually, he kind of took over my Xterra and I took over his car. We're contemplating getting a Costco membership. When an attractive guy seems a little flirty with me at school, I get annoyed. I'm only going to have the name I spent the last 20 3/4 years with for eight more weeks. When I grocery shop, I buy Diet Coke and pepperjack cheese (two things I rarely consumed pre-Sterling). I get to wake up, eat dinner, fight, celebrate holidays, kiss, cry, love, move, grocery shop, and live with the this same amazing person for the rest of forever.


I think this whole getting married thing is starting to seem pretty dang real.

Monday, September 19, 2011


Lately I've been upset that Sterling and my parents don't know each other better. I'm really close to my parents, and he's obviously a huge part of my life, so it's weird to me that those two big parts of my life barely know each other. It makes me sad that they're not close, because I really want them to be. That's important to me.

I've spent a lot of time with Sterling's family, so I feel pretty close to them. Sterling went home with me for spring break, so we stayed with my parents for a week, but they were working a lot and Sterling and I weren't seriously talking marriage at that point, so I don't think anyone really felt a big push to get to know one another super well quickly.

I know it just takes time, it's just hard in the meantime. It's hard living 800 miles from my family, and I know it'll take awhile for them to get to know each other well, since we'll probably only be able to visit a few times a year. And of course, me being me, I get caught up in looking too far ahead and worrying even more. Like, what happens when we have kids? I want my parents to know their grandchildren well, and that's hard to do if they only see them a few times a year, especially since kids grow so fast! It's sad. I love living where I do, but it's so hard being so far away.

I wish my parents would move to Idaho.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

62 days.

Two months from tomorrow.

Our wedding is getting really close. And I'm getting pretty nervous. There is still a LOT to do.

I mean, we've got the big things figured out for the most part, but all those cute little touches that make a wedding a wedding? Yeah...haven't made much progress there. I have ideas and all, but none of the ideas have materialized yet so I'm getting really anxious. I don't know how we're making our reception cute and personalized and us.

Well actually, it'll probably be more me than us, since Sterling doesn't really care about things like decorations and cake. He cares more about the actual act of getting married (and the honeymoon and wedding presents), not all the foof and details and such that make a wedding a wedding. And as much as it bugs me when he says he doesn't care when I ask for his opinion on things like cupcake wrappers and cake toppers and napkins....I guess that's probably a good thing. Most women would love to have a wedding that is entirely up to them, right? And I'm kind of a control-freak, so if he did have too much of an opinion, I'd probably kill him. See, it all works out :)

Actually, we don't even have all the big things settled yet. We have no invitations. We know where we're getting them, but I'm having a little trouble starting that process. So we have to get them designed, then made, then to us/our moms, then we all have to address and mail them all. That takes awhile, right? I feel like we're behind on this and it's freaking me out. I don't want people to get their invites two weeks before the wedding.

And I need to buy Sterling's ring still, which we're actually making progress on in fact. We went to jewelers in Moscow yesterday and figured out exactly what he wants in a ring, and I think I found the perfect one. So now I just need to go back to the store and order it. I'm excited to check that one off of the list.

I want it to be November already. I want to be in the lovely Southeast Idaho, I want to be with all my extended family so they can all finally meet this guy I'm marrying, I want to just get married, go to Vegas, enjoy being married, have a nice Thanksgiving as a married couple, and I want a pretty, perfect wedding to look back on. I want to be done planning it!

PS: Do you know how hard it is to study for anatomy exams when Etsy and Weddinggawker.com are calling my name?! I'm going to fail all my classes this semester.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Holy pumpkins!

I was in Winco the other day and saw a painted white pumpkin with a green damask design on the cover of Country Living magazine. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. And I decided I wanted to incorporate pumpkins into the decorations for our wedding.

And now I'm constantly looking at pictures of painted, jeweled, and glittered pumpkins. I got my friend Corina in on it too so we're both sending each other pumpkin ideas all the time. And we're going to have a craft day where we decorate pumpkins and test it out for the wedding.

Yeah, I'm really obsessed. I love that we're getting married in November because that's perfect pumpkin time!!! I mean, come on, how friggin cute are these?!?

Or one of these with a nice 'S' for Stoddard on it?

Or these adorable little ones?! I'm thinking we'll make some of these and use them in the centerpieces.

That's all for now. I just can't stop talking about pumpkins and I think Sterling is going to kill me if he has to hear anymore about them, so this is my outlet!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The little things.

I think it's time to focus on the good things in life. Here are a few:

I get really excited when Safeway posts their new weekly specials ad on their website. No, really. Every Wednesday a new ad goes out and new items go on sale, and it makes my day for a good ten minutes. I love getting good deals and grocery shopping. I would make a really good housewife.

I also get really happy when Sterling shows me CollegeHumor.com videos that have cats or dogs in them. He knows how much I love those.

I like it when people ask me for nutrition advice. It makes me feel so useful, and like I actually know things and can put them to good use. Whether it's my fiance wanting to lose weight or a guy friend who wants to know what to eat for good pooping sessions (true story...on multiple occasions), it makes me happy.

I love sending cards to people. I don't know if it's just because it makes me feel like a good, married adult, but I really get some satisfaction by sending everyone in both mine and Sterling's family birthday cards.

Watching the new Teen Mom episode every Wednesday night is probably my favorite time of the whole week. I also love that I have a guy who loves (or at least pretends really well to love) to watch it with me.

That's what I've got for now. I think I should do this more often.

money money money money.

One career I will surely never have is a wedding planner. It's hard enough planning my own. Actually, if I was rich, it would probably be a million times easier. But trying to figure out cute centerpieces and decorations on a tight budget? Pretty dang difficult. I could stare at wedding blogs for hours and point out things I like, but I could never do them because, um, do you know how much a hundred lilies and a few chandeliers would cost? Cause I do, and that number is definitely not in my bank account.

Have I mentioned being an adult is hard? I mean, I'd rather be one than a teenager or kid, but there are naturally plenty of not so fun things that go along with being an adult and getting married and having your own place and cars. Like bills.

I work 6-8 hours a week (at a job I love, I must say) and Sterling works less than that even. We have a little bit of savings, but that goes directly to rent. Then food, gas, bills, and expensive wedding stuff?? Yeah....our bank accounts are dwindling fast. My parents are helping with what they can (actually, more than what they can and I'm so grateful for them) but there are still a lot of wedding expenses that I'm taking care of myself. That's the not-so-fun part of wedding planning.

I can't wait until Sterling graduates and gets a good job, and we can have a steady income. Of course I'm crazy excited about our wedding, but I'm also excited to get past this next year and settle into our more adult, married life with new jobs and a new town.

Monday, September 12, 2011


When I was little, I never cried in public. In elementary school, other kids cried ALL the time. Getting hurt, getting in trouble, being told they couldn't be part of the cool kids 'Club', etc. Kids cry constantly. I prided myself on never crying at school. I can remember one instance throughout all of grade school where I cried. That's all.

College, however, I can probably give you a handful of times I've cried at school. Funny, huh? College has a tendency to upset me, I guess. Sometimes it scares me, like the time I got lost in the parking garage at Sacramento City College and couldn't find my car.

Today, it made me feel stupid. Stupid because I horribly failed my first Anatomy exam, and when I went into that class today, the professor had up the stats from the test, and less than a dozen people scored below me. There are over 300 people in that class. I got upset that I'm the dumb kid. I felt hopeless, because I honestly don't know how I'm going to pass this class. And I need to pass it. So I got up and left. And fell all over some random guy when I was trying to climb over him in his seat. And I felt even more stupid.

So I cried as I walked home.

I know, that's probably pretty dumb, too. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not cut out for college, because I honestly believe that college isn't for everyone. But I want to be in college, I want my degree. And I know college is hard; everyone struggles. I just let myself get too discouraged because my degree involves a lot of science and math prerequisites, which I am not good at. At all. But when it comes to the core subjects of my degree, you know, all those nutrition classes, I love it and I get it SO well. That all makes sense to me. Anatomy and cells and tissues just don't.

On the bright side, my weight is finally getting back to where I want it! I've lost about 13 pounds since the beginning of summer. I have about 5 left to go and I will be at my happy weight, and my drivers license won't be lying anymore :)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Ups & downs

Last night was....not a good night.

I'm thankful I have the support system I do. My family especially, as they've seen everything over the years and they never fail to build me up.

Over the last few months, Sterling has seen the ins and outs of this issue, and he couldn't be more supportive. He never makes me feel dumb when I cry to him over dramatic girl things, and he always reassures me and builds me back up.

Last night, after crying to him for quite awhile, I had to go babysit for a couple hours. I came home to see this when I walked in the door:
He bought Ben&Jerry's, some of my favorite sour gummies, and had the new Teen Mom episode all ready to watch cuddled up together. And he studied all the little pacifier and such pictures from the shows logo, and took the time to draw them.

I think I got pretty lucky with him, don't you think?

Saturday, September 3, 2011


Sterling and I took our engagement pictures about a month ago. I've been anxiously waiting to see them. I'm really bad at being patient. Yesterday the photographer told us she posted them on her website.

I can't stop looking at them.

The moment we saw them, Sterling predicted I was going to just sit there staring at them everyday. And, um....he was right.

I go through them multiple times a day, admiring how well they turned out, then I think about what cute babies we will make, then freaking out because my bangs are weirdly sectioned in three pictures in a row, then deciding we're a pretty dang cute couple, then freaking out again because Sterling's head is tilted away from me in a picture (what if that's a subconscious signal that he doesn't want to be there next to me!!!), then I see pictures where we're looking at each other and  -dang-  we really do look like one of those cute, so-in-love couples and I think that people should be jealous of us.

Yeah, it just keeps going back and forth like that. But in the risk of sounding conceited, most of my thoughts are about how good we look. Sorry, but we're a damn good couple.

And now I'm once again anxiously awaiting our pictures to be put up somewhere where I can save them to my computer and have them. And, you know, post them on Facebook for everyone to see. Just sayin'...

Friday, September 2, 2011

Have I mentioned I love being a Vandal? 'Cause I really really do. Despite the trillions of annoying participants of the Greek system here, or long-haired hippies who throw their bucket hat across the bleachers and yell obscenities because our team missed a pass, or drunk girls who wedge into the crowded bleacher next to me so they can annoyingly flirt with my friend standing next to me all while constantly flipping their hair on me and grinding their rather large butt against me whenever a song comes on. Yeah, that last one really got on my nerves.

For the most part, the people here in Moscow really aren't bad. They're rather good, even. It's easy to make pleasant small talk with the people sitting next to you in class, it's rare you come across a bitchy girl who just stares at you (though it does still happen). I've yet to encounter a rude professor. The family I nanny for is incredibly nice (both parents are professors, maybe that's why?). The cashiers at Winco and Safeway are nice and patient with me when I'm sorting through my wallet trying to find my coupon for tampons. People always stop in the middle of the road to let me cross on my way to school.

And....I get to wear REALLY cool shirts ;)   It says 'Mighty Vandals' on the front. Yep, it's kinda my new favorite shirt. PS: I totally used a coupon on it :)

Moscow is a pretty nice little place.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Can I get an amen?

One year ago tomorrow I met my fiance. Well, technically it was kind of today, since it was a Thursday and the first football game of the year, but it was September 2nd.

I was visiting my friend Corina with the idea that maybe I'd move to Idaho for a bit, but I had gotten pretty homesick and decided that I was going back to California that weekend. In a desperate attempt to keep me in Moscow (she grew up in CA with me and knew the evils of getting stuck in Placerville) she told me she was going to find a cute guy for me here in 'Scow. I laughed and brushed it off, and Corina went to bed.

A little while later, she dashed out of her bedroom and told me her husband Dan found the perfect guy. She pulled up the Facebook profile of some undeniably sexy guy scowling at the camera. Alright, he's got my attention. I'm pretty sure I proclaimed as we were looking through his pictures (stalking to the tenth degree, of course) that he sure did look like my future husband.

After conferring with his roommate Ryan, it was decided that I was going to meet Sterling at the Vandal football game that Thursday night. So we met, we talked, we laughed, we flirted, we kissed, you know the drill. We spent the next two days together.

Then I moved back to California. I was pretty angry that this amazing guy I met had to live 800 miles away, but there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn't going to move to Idaho just because of this seemingly great guy who I hadn't even know for a week. So we spent the next few months talking constantly. My cell was never more than a foot away from me. We'd stay up til 3am night after night FB chatting. I had no idea what I expected from this, and I tried to tell myself that it was probably pointless spending so much time talking to and thinking about this guy, but I still couldn't stop myself. So i decided to just see where it went, if anywhere.

He talked me into coming up to Moscow in November for a football game at UI. Maybe it was crazy, but I did it. I took off work and drove 800 miles in one day. We had a great weekend together and were completely inseparable. Again, I went home and didn't quite know what to do. So I did the craziest thing there was to do. I applied to the University of Idaho for the upcoming January semester, I quit my job, I found an apartment in Moscow, and I picked up and moved my life to Idaho.

And now I'm marrying him in 2.5 months.

When you know, you just know.