Today was supposed to be my due date. It's been close to 4 months since Brooklyn left us. How did that happen? Some days it still feels so fresh.
It's summer now. The snow is melted, the grass is green. The perpetual frost of this valley has finally let up for a few short months. It would have been such a beautiful time to have a new baby in the house. I should have Brooklyn in my arms now, at least that was the plan. I planned on quiet summer days with my two girls. I planned on having a crazy 17 month old and a newborn.
Life goes on, whether you're ready for it or not. I feel like much of February, March, and April were a blur. Brynleigh has suddenly morphed into a toddler who talks and understands what we say, and responds to us. I've been trying to absorb as much of her as I can, time is so precious.
I've been settling into my role as a bereaved mom, who shares sad smiles with women who confide in me that they know all too well what I've been going through. It's a club that I wish I wasn't in, yet take comfort in knowing there are other members.
All this time, I've still felt pregnant in a way, since I knew I should have been. I guess that can be over now. I've been dreading this day (month, really) as it's the last real mark Brooklyn has left. She was supposed to join our family around this time, and even though she's gone now, it still belongs to her. It's the last thing I've been holding onto.
Some days, I think I'm doing great. I think I'm so strong and resilient, that I've overcome such a trial. Other days, I'm a mess still. I'm sad and searching for answers I know I can't have. I think about how I could have changed something and I get hopeful, then have to remind myself that there are no do-overs--Brooklyn is gone. I think about how much my life changed so quickly and how stunned I am to be where I am now. I marvel at how naive I was before this all happened, I had no clue any of this was coming. But who would?
This is life now, this sad chapter of our life and these struggles that are still ahead of us. I know I'm still blessed through it all, and I see that everyday, too. As much as I don't want to be written into this story, I am. I know there's a lot of happiness to come, as well, and I know we'll get there someday.